Awareness - 18

Awareness - 18 

If I had a dollar for every time I did things that gave me a bad feeling, I’d be a millionaire by now. You know how it goes. “Could I meet you tonight, Father?” “Yes, come on in!” I don’t want to meet him and I hate meeting him. I want to watch that TV show tonight, but how do I say no to him? I don’t have the guts to say no. “Come on in,” and I’m thinking, “Oh God, I’ve got to put up with this pain.”

It doesn’t give me a good feeling to meet with him and it doesn’t give me a good

feeling to say no to him, so I choose the lesser of the two evils and I say, “O.K., come on in.” I’m going to be happy when this thing is over and I’ll be able to take my smile off, but I start the session with him: “How are you?” “Wonderful,” he says, and he goes on and on about how he loves that workshop, and I’m thinking, “Oh God, when is he going to come to the point?” Finally he comes to the point, and I metaphorically slam him against the wall and say, “Well, any fool could solve that kind of problem,” and I send him out. “Whew! Got rid of him,” I say. And the next morning at breakfast (because I’m feeling I was so rude) I go up to him and say, “How’s life?” And he answers, “Pretty good.” And he adds, “You know, what you said to me last night was a real help. Can I meet you today, after lunch?” Oh God!

That’s the worst kind of charity, when you’re doing something so you won’t get a bad feeling. You don’t have the guts to say you want to be left alone. You want people to think you’re a good priest! When you say, “I don’t like hurting people,” I say, “Come off it! I don’t believe you.” I don’t believe anyone who says that he or she does not like hurting people. We love to hurt people, especially some people. We love it. And when someone else is doing the hurting we rejoice in it. But we don’t want to do the hurting ourselves because we’ll get hurt! Ah, there it is. If we do the hurting, others will have a bad opinion of us. They won’t like us, they’ll talk against us and we don’t like that!